A feather-light touch for a red letter day

9:22am Tuesday 13th February 2007

IF a rampant sex life is something that belongs in the dark recesses of your memory, like shopping on Saturdays and drinking on a Sunday afternoon, the good news is you're not alone.

For many women, once children come along, sex can feel like another household chore, something to fit in between the cooking, cleaning and school run.

"The problem for many women is that sex loses its pleasure, it gets relegated to the end of the day when people are exhausted. If you associate sex with exhaustion, it’s no wonder it gets demoted."

Julia Gash

But Valentine's Day is the perfect time to take stock and work on ways to improve your love life.

That's the view of Julia Gash, a self-taught expert on sex and relationships who owns a chain of racy lingerie shops across Yorkshire, called Gash. The latest has just opened in Fossgate, York, selling lingerie, sex aids and toys and self-help books on relationships.

Julia, 43, who has a weekly phone-in on sex problems on a Manchester radio station, said: "Valentine's Day gives us an opportunity to focus on our sex lives - what we are getting and what we are not getting.

"Often, when children come into relationships, people get exhausted and sex gets out of their routine or becomes routine."

For many couples, she says, sex is relegated to the end of the day, when both parties are tired. Valentine's Day, she insists, affords the perfect opportunity to make time for each other and rekindle those embers of passion.

"Set time aside, if you can get the children to stay somewhere else, hibernate for the night. Or get a babysitter and go out for the evening. Think about what you are going to wear, and get dressed up."

She adds: "The problem for many women is that sex loses its pleasure, it gets relegated to the end of the day when people are exhausted.

"If you associate sex with exhaustion, it's no wonder it gets demoted. You can bring it back into your life, but recognise its not just a physical work-out, but being erotic and sexy with someone you love."

But kick-starting a flagging sexual relationships can be difficult, and for couples out of the habit of romance Julia suggests some games. "We sell love instruction cards. They say things like Give her a sensual massage'; Give him a big hug' and Tell her what you desire about her'.

"Sometimes couples have lost their way and it's just not there; it's like a different language. These cards offer a bit of guidance and that's sometimes what you need."

Acknowledging that many of us could do with some help and advice in our sex lives, Julia runs a series of classes at her shops.

At the York store, customers can book in for lessons on everything from how to be a sex god/goddess to learning the art of flirting, as well as erotic dancing and advanced sex techniques.

Julia even offers individual counselling on sex and relationships. "I've worked with a blind woman who had never had sex, but was getting married and had a lot of fears and concerns.

"I also work with women from overseas who are struggling in our sexualised culture and have no idea of their own sexuality."

Most sessions, however, involve groups of friends or colleagues who want a bit of fun as well as guidance.

Julia said: "We talk about everything. There is no censorship, but I am guided by the group. Before the session begins, I take a briefing about the level to pitch it at."

She says women of all ages come to the sessions, but there are clear differences between women in their 20s and those over 40.

"Lots of younger women are under a lot of pressure to be very sexual while a lot of older women hold negative views about sex because of their upbringing," explained Julia.

"Our job is to help women see their beauty and recognise their flaws as part of their character.

"We talk about body issues and we find that women don't like to see themselves naked. We want them to embrace what they have and recognise that pictures of models in magazines are a false image of what women are."

For younger women, Julia says the emphasis is on encouraging them to respect their bodies.

She said: "Women have a lot of power in terms of sex. Sex isn't going to happen unless a woman says so. But women give that power away. You see it on a Friday and Saturday night in our cities where a lot of women are very drunk and wearing very little and not behaving in a very sexually empowering way, which makes them very vulnerable and not sexy.

"There is pressure to be very sexy and part of our work is to encourage them to see this isn't sexy. Being sexy is about respecting your body and what you do with it."

For older women, often the emphasis is on rekindling a sexual relationship. This doesn't mean arming them with the sex aids and raunchy lingerie on sale at Gash, but rather encouraging them to bring intimacy back into the relationship, says Julia.

"Some women lead quite sexless relationships and being sexy has bad connotations with being a bad woman' or dirty'.

"We can guide them to buying books on sex and relationships where they concentrate more on doing things like bathing together or giving erotic massage - putting touch and sensuality back into the relationship rather than wham bam sex which can lack intimacy."

Classes are also on offer to men, including sessions on superflirting', where the focus is on understanding body language and tips on how to romance your lover.

Julia said: "Our philosophy is to empower women and men to have a great sex life and be more fulfilled."

• Find out more about Gash at 25 Fossgate, York, phone: 01904 689620 or visit www.gash.co.uk